The
lies that the enemy built up in my life have been many. They’ve been paralyzing
and so deafening at times that I’ve believed the lies as truth. I then walked
out those lies in my life and allowed them to define and change me from the
person God designed me to be.
Dirty.
Unworthly. Unloveable. Worthless. Ugly. Fat. Not good enough. Hopeless. Good
for nothing. Ruined. Unattractive. Less than perfect. Dumb. Out of place.
Different. Deserving of pain. God’s mad at you. Disappointment. Poor Role Model.
In
my own strength, I believed drinking was the only answer to overcome those lies
the enemy so perfectly planted within my mind. So, for years that’s what I did.
But, drinking only gave me a temporary solution. In the morning, all the lies
and problems I was facing were intensified. My life became unmanageable. I
sought relationships that were less than positive for my life. I lost control
of my finances and put myself in a great deal of debt. I was struggling to
perform at work and I could only hide the problem for so long, until my boss
and co-workers could guess when I would call off from work or just not show up.
I hibernated and ignored my loved ones and closest friends. I fell into a deep
depression and a fear that manifested itself into the most server anxiety. I
hated myself for how I was acting, portraying myself, and for the reputation I
had so haphazardly created. So, I moved forward in my strategic effort to numb
the lies, hurt, pain and shame through one-night stands, friends with benefits,
and other company that only encouraged my dangerous and insane lifestyle. I
walked through health, legal, and emotional traumas as consequences to my ever
increasing alcohol induced foggy life.
Then,
God uncovered my eyes, opened my heart, and revealed his love despite my every
effort to block him out. In a matter of 6 months, my boyfriend died, I got a
DUI, and I just barely escaped a public drunkenness charge. After my last run
in with the Harrisburg Police Department, I woke up and decided, enough was enough.
I didn’t care what I had to do but I couldn’t go on living in the insanity and
chaos that became my normal. Through the gift of strength that God has blessed
me with, I finally used it to glorify his name and in the way he had intended
my gift to be used. I made a call to Mazzetti & Sullivan, drug and alcohol
counselors in Harrisburg. It was within 2 days’ time that I was admitted into
their Intensive Outpatient Program. The work was hard, it took a lot of time,
but I can celebrate two years sober today because I chose to stop believing the
enemy’s lies and turn my life to face God’s love.
Today,
the enemy still continues to attack what I know to be God’s truths. There are
still times that I crave a drink to just numb the pain, to hide my emotions, or
escape from what I believe to be reality. But I don’t. Because I owe God all
the glory for sparing my life two years ago. Also, the desire to drink and
revert back to an unmanageable life will never out way the love God pours over
me daily and that he sent his only son to die in order to spare my life. Life
is still full of hurt and pain. For example, yesterday I surrendered all hope
for a restored relationship with my fiancé. I have allowed my heavenly father
to take what I so desperately desire because that is what he has asked me to
do. It’s hard not to question and even harder to reconcile the thoughts that
his plan is beyond my understanding. But, as I laid in bed Sunday night, he so
clearly whispered to me that it was time to let go, and I had been released
from that relationship. I don’t know where Tyler is. I don’t even know if he’s
ok. But all I need to know is that God is in control and he is the only one
that I can trust with my whole heart. So even though today is a celebration of
how far I have come, it doesn’t mean my life has become pain free or even void
of difficult life situations but I can take each circumstance with a clear
mind, level headed attitude, and with all the hope God has for me.
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