A NEW MIND...061814

 

Even with two years sober, it has taken me until the most recent days to entirely understand how my mind picture of how my life is supposed to look has continued to keep me sick, depressed, or missing out on the blessings of my life. I’m 30, and my life nowhere near reflects the life I “think or thought” I should have.

 

I should be married.

I shouldn’t be an alcoholic

Christians don’t struggle with depression & anxiety.

I should be making more money.

I should be more successful in my professional career.

I should have children by now.

I should be living in suburbia not the dilapidated city of Harrisburg.

I should have a lot more money in my savings account.

I should be volunteering my time to a worthy cause.

I should be giving consistently to my church (tithing).

I shouldn’t be struggling this much.

I shouldn’t be in love with a heroin addict.

My life should be better put together.

I should be working out more.

I shouldn’t weigh this much.

I should be happier.

I should go to more AA, NA, and Al-Anon meetings.

I should be a better sister.

I should be a better daughter.

Obviously, this list could go on and on with “should be’s” and “what if’s.”

And I’m constantly comparing my life to my peers. Asking myself:

Why has my life had to be so difficult?

Why did I walk down such a dark road?

Why didn’t any of my friends deal with the life trials that I have had to walk through?

When do I get a break?

When does my life get easier?

When do I get to have the strong, Christ centered relationship, the beautiful home, and children?

 

Those are my heart’s desire. God knows that I want those things right? In fact, he placed those desires in my heart. So, why don’t I have those things? I’m 30, God, the world tells me I’m supposed to have those things by now! Often, my cries and prayers to my Heavenly Father mimic those exact questions of confusion and tears of desperation.

But I am continually reminded that my life is not my own. I am here to glorify God and show his love to expand his kingdom. And, God can take my mess and make a great message. In my devotional this morning, it spoke straight to my heart on this exact concept. Coincidence? I think not. It’s God speaking to me.

If you have never picked up the book, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young I encourage you to stop whatever you are doing right now and make a purchase. “Concentrate on keeping in step with Me instead of trying to anticipate My plans for you. If you trust that My plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment.”

Wow, what a powerful reminder. Additionally, I am reminded that my idea of time and how the world views time is nothing like God’s timing. He doesn’t see life in years, days, or birthdays.

As an addict, with an addict’s mentality, I can easily become overwhelmed. I constantly catch myself thinking too far into the future. Or, trying to make plans and choices today in effort to control the outcome of my future. In reality, these plans or choices in my own strength/effort can’t and won’t occur which cause’s greater frustration. Inevitably, I’m setting myself up for failure, hurt, and pain. Instead, I need to focus my eyes on my Heavenly Father, not worrying about tomorrow or trying to control all aspects of my life (mostly things I have zero control over like people) because He’s got it all under control. All I can do is trust and have faith that his plan will be far greater than I can even fathom. This is so much easier said and done but one day at a time God is revealing his plan and truths for my life. I’m so thankful that today I am sober to hear, see and feel God as he works through my life.  

He’s in control, so I don’t have to be. I can just bask in his presence, today.