"I ONCE WAS LOST. but now i'm found.": UNVIELING MY HEART

"I ONCE WAS LOST. but now i'm found.": UNVIELING MY HEART: ONE MONTH (written for tsa) It’s been one month since I’ve seen your face                one month since I’ve felt your embrace ...

UNVIELING MY HEART

ONE MONTH
(written for tsa)

It’s been one month since I’ve seen your face

               one month since I’ve felt your embrace

It’s been one month since I’ve seen your smile

               one month since I’ve had this new life style

It’s been one month since I’ve touched your skin

               one month since I’ve been able to grin

It’s been one month and I miss you so bad

               one month of difficult choices I’ve had

It’s been one month and I don’t know why

               one month that I said good-bye

It’s been one month and God’s been here

               one month that he’s taken all my fear

It’s been one month and I’m praying for you

               one month that you’ve been given anew

It’s been one month that I let you go

               one month that we feel closer in heart though

It’s been one month that you’ve been free

               one month that you’ve been our Father’s adoptee

It’s been one month and I can still be happy

               one month since you’ve walked through the dark valley

 

We are one month closer to the Heavenly Father

             one month and I feel so much stronger

We are one month sober from our relational addiction

             one month and there’s been no friction

We are one month into seeking our spiritual gifts

             one month to make life style shifts

We are one month closer to being a family

             one month towards extended vitality

We are one month into working towards a future

             one month that God’s preparing us to be a mover

We are one month moving into God’s opened doors

             one month of fighting spiritual wars

We are one month away from a great win

             one month and we are lighter within

We are one month of doing our own

             one month and we have completely grown

We are one month into finding ourselves

             one month that God’s heard us repent

We are one month and our Father is so proud

             one month apart that only He has allowed

 

I am one month happier than before

        one month that our Father’s been changing my core

I am one month into a healing journey

        one month that I’ve allowed God to stand as my power of attorney

I am one month into finding my worth

        one month that our Father has given me rebirth

I am one month of discovering my identity

       one month of reaching complete serenity

I am one month of learning about God’s spot

        one month of being moved, changed, and taught

I am one month of becoming God’s vessel

        one month with the enemy’s lies I’ve wrestled

I am one month of finding true love

        one month of knowing it only comes from above

I am one month closer to being prepared

        one month that God has had me repaired

I am one month of being wrapped in His arms

        one month of ignoring the enemy’s charms

I am one month closer to being a bride

        one month of speaking God’s love worldwide.

 

 

A NEW MIND...061814

 

Even with two years sober, it has taken me until the most recent days to entirely understand how my mind picture of how my life is supposed to look has continued to keep me sick, depressed, or missing out on the blessings of my life. I’m 30, and my life nowhere near reflects the life I “think or thought” I should have.

 

I should be married.

I shouldn’t be an alcoholic

Christians don’t struggle with depression & anxiety.

I should be making more money.

I should be more successful in my professional career.

I should have children by now.

I should be living in suburbia not the dilapidated city of Harrisburg.

I should have a lot more money in my savings account.

I should be volunteering my time to a worthy cause.

I should be giving consistently to my church (tithing).

I shouldn’t be struggling this much.

I shouldn’t be in love with a heroin addict.

My life should be better put together.

I should be working out more.

I shouldn’t weigh this much.

I should be happier.

I should go to more AA, NA, and Al-Anon meetings.

I should be a better sister.

I should be a better daughter.

Obviously, this list could go on and on with “should be’s” and “what if’s.”

And I’m constantly comparing my life to my peers. Asking myself:

Why has my life had to be so difficult?

Why did I walk down such a dark road?

Why didn’t any of my friends deal with the life trials that I have had to walk through?

When do I get a break?

When does my life get easier?

When do I get to have the strong, Christ centered relationship, the beautiful home, and children?

 

Those are my heart’s desire. God knows that I want those things right? In fact, he placed those desires in my heart. So, why don’t I have those things? I’m 30, God, the world tells me I’m supposed to have those things by now! Often, my cries and prayers to my Heavenly Father mimic those exact questions of confusion and tears of desperation.

But I am continually reminded that my life is not my own. I am here to glorify God and show his love to expand his kingdom. And, God can take my mess and make a great message. In my devotional this morning, it spoke straight to my heart on this exact concept. Coincidence? I think not. It’s God speaking to me.

If you have never picked up the book, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young I encourage you to stop whatever you are doing right now and make a purchase. “Concentrate on keeping in step with Me instead of trying to anticipate My plans for you. If you trust that My plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment.”

Wow, what a powerful reminder. Additionally, I am reminded that my idea of time and how the world views time is nothing like God’s timing. He doesn’t see life in years, days, or birthdays.

As an addict, with an addict’s mentality, I can easily become overwhelmed. I constantly catch myself thinking too far into the future. Or, trying to make plans and choices today in effort to control the outcome of my future. In reality, these plans or choices in my own strength/effort can’t and won’t occur which cause’s greater frustration. Inevitably, I’m setting myself up for failure, hurt, and pain. Instead, I need to focus my eyes on my Heavenly Father, not worrying about tomorrow or trying to control all aspects of my life (mostly things I have zero control over like people) because He’s got it all under control. All I can do is trust and have faith that his plan will be far greater than I can even fathom. This is so much easier said and done but one day at a time God is revealing his plan and truths for my life. I’m so thankful that today I am sober to hear, see and feel God as he works through my life.  

He’s in control, so I don’t have to be. I can just bask in his presence, today.

 

TWO YEARS OF FREEDOM.06.10.14.

The lies that the enemy built up in my life have been many. They’ve been paralyzing and so deafening at times that I’ve believed the lies as truth. I then walked out those lies in my life and allowed them to define and change me from the person God designed me to be.

Dirty. Unworthly. Unloveable. Worthless. Ugly. Fat. Not good enough. Hopeless. Good for nothing. Ruined. Unattractive. Less than perfect. Dumb. Out of place. Different. Deserving of pain. God’s mad at you. Disappointment. Poor Role Model.

In my own strength, I believed drinking was the only answer to overcome those lies the enemy so perfectly planted within my mind. So, for years that’s what I did. But, drinking only gave me a temporary solution. In the morning, all the lies and problems I was facing were intensified. My life became unmanageable. I sought relationships that were less than positive for my life. I lost control of my finances and put myself in a great deal of debt. I was struggling to perform at work and I could only hide the problem for so long, until my boss and co-workers could guess when I would call off from work or just not show up. I hibernated and ignored my loved ones and closest friends. I fell into a deep depression and a fear that manifested itself into the most server anxiety. I hated myself for how I was acting, portraying myself, and for the reputation I had so haphazardly created. So, I moved forward in my strategic effort to numb the lies, hurt, pain and shame through one-night stands, friends with benefits, and other company that only encouraged my dangerous and insane lifestyle. I walked through health, legal, and emotional traumas as consequences to my ever increasing alcohol induced foggy life.

Then, God uncovered my eyes, opened my heart, and revealed his love despite my every effort to block him out. In a matter of 6 months, my boyfriend died, I got a DUI, and I just barely escaped a public drunkenness charge. After my last run in with the Harrisburg Police Department, I woke up and decided, enough was enough. I didn’t care what I had to do but I couldn’t go on living in the insanity and chaos that became my normal. Through the gift of strength that God has blessed me with, I finally used it to glorify his name and in the way he had intended my gift to be used. I made a call to Mazzetti & Sullivan, drug and alcohol counselors in Harrisburg. It was within 2 days’ time that I was admitted into their Intensive Outpatient Program. The work was hard, it took a lot of time, but I can celebrate two years sober today because I chose to stop believing the enemy’s lies and turn my life to face God’s love.

Today, the enemy still continues to attack what I know to be God’s truths. There are still times that I crave a drink to just numb the pain, to hide my emotions, or escape from what I believe to be reality. But I don’t. Because I owe God all the glory for sparing my life two years ago. Also, the desire to drink and revert back to an unmanageable life will never out way the love God pours over me daily and that he sent his only son to die in order to spare my life. Life is still full of hurt and pain. For example, yesterday I surrendered all hope for a restored relationship with my fiancé. I have allowed my heavenly father to take what I so desperately desire because that is what he has asked me to do. It’s hard not to question and even harder to reconcile the thoughts that his plan is beyond my understanding. But, as I laid in bed Sunday night, he so clearly whispered to me that it was time to let go, and I had been released from that relationship. I don’t know where Tyler is. I don’t even know if he’s ok. But all I need to know is that God is in control and he is the only one that I can trust with my whole heart. So even though today is a celebration of how far I have come, it doesn’t mean my life has become pain free or even void of difficult life situations but I can take each circumstance with a clear mind, level headed attitude, and with all the hope God has for me.